Emotional Connection During Sex: 9 Things You Need To Know

Emotionally connected sex refers to a deeply intimate and vulnerable sexual experience where partners engage not just physically but also emotionally.

It goes beyond the mechanics of sex to create a space where both partners feel safe, valued, loved, and emotionally attuned to one another.

Emotional connection isn’t essential for sex. Plenty of people enjoy sex with no emotional intimacy. Having said that, building emotional intimacy through sex can take your sex life into a whole other dimension.

It helps you:

• feel deeply loved and chosen
• build trust and closeness
• increase sexual pleasure and overall relationship satisfaction

And yet it’s not something that comes naturally.

In previous relationships, I struggled with feeling an emotional connection during sex. I was so focused on pleasure (usually my partner’s over my own) that sex was more of a performance than an intimate, connected experience.

Looking back, I realize that I was so scared of vulnerability, judgment, and ‘failing’ at sex, that I left my authentic self at the bedroom door.

But early in our relationship, Reece expressed a desire for more emotional connection during sex. I had no idea what that meant or how to make it happen. But I wanted to find out.

After personally embarking on the journey of overcoming common barriers to emotional connection during sex (and helping countless other couples do the same), here’s what you need to know about how to deepen emotional connection during sex.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #1:

Emotionally Connected Sex Begins Outside The Bedroom

The simple truth is that you can’t have emotionally connected sex unless you feel deeply connected in your everyday relationship.

And unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you:

Many modern-day couples suffer from what’s known as pseudo intimacy – an intimate connection that appears genuine but lacks the depth and vulnerability associated with true emotional intimacy.

For some, it’s a lack of emotional intimacy skills (such as vulnerable self-disclosure, emotional validation, or listening with empathy and compassion). While for others, it’s a lack of time, attention, and presence.

Building emotional connection outside the bedroom not only helps you have more connected sex, it also helps to boost sexual desire. (One study* found that a strong experience of emotional connection between a couple caused an increase in sexual desire in both men and women for around 90 minutes).

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #2:

Emotional Connection Is What Gives Sex Meaning

What does sex mean to you? What does sex with your partner or spouse help you feel? Why is sex important?

If these questions are challenging to answer, you’re not alone.

Over the years we’ve found that couples rarely think about why they want sex, or the deeper significance of it.

Sure, there are the obvious answers:

It’s pleasurable, it’s fun, it’s a stress release…

But when probed deeper (no pun intended) most couples report that there’s one thing they want most from their sex life: connection. That’s because sexual intimacy is a powerful non-verbal bonding experience that helps enhance secure attachment.

And despite gender stereotypes, this is just as true for men as it is for women. (One study* polling over 1500 people found that both men and women ranked a ‘desire for emotional closeness’ equally as one of their top reasons for having sex.)

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #3:

Emotionally Connected Sex is Not Pleasure Focused

In recent years, there’s been a surge in pleasure-focused sex education, especially for women. And in a culture that still has a lot of weird hang-ups about sex, pleasure, and desire, it’s definitely needed.

But we may have gone too far with our pleasure obsession.

Now, don’t get us wrong—pleasure matters. It’s just not the focus of emotionally connected sex.

Unfortunately, prioritizing pleasure often comes at the expense of connection, and your partner:

Too much focus on technique or performance can get you caught up in your head, worrying if you’re ‘doing it right’. This takes you out of the moment and erodes connection with your partner (a sex mistake I made many times).

In emotionally connected sex, the aim is to be present and in tune with each other. Pleasure is often a by-product of connection, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of connection.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #4:

Emotional Connection During Sex is Vulnerable

Deepening emotional intimacy during sex requires emotional vulnerability. This means letting your guard down and sharing parts of yourself that may feel raw or uncertain. (Such as expressing your love, your fear of rejection, or insecurities about your body or performance).

Whereas sex that is pleasure-focused involves your body, having an emotional connection during sex requires all of you – body, heart, mind, and soul.

This can be scary as vulnerability during sex requires stretching your comfort zone and trusting your partner with all parts of you. Essentially, you’re allowing them to see and accept you as you are, without trying to control or hide anything.

This ’emotional expose’ creates a deeper bond beyond the physical act. It’s incredibly intimate, and opens the door to a whole new level of feeling seen, chosen, loved, and connected.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #5:

Your Attachment Style Impacts Emotional Connection

Depending on your attachment style, deeper emotional intimacy during sex can feel overwhelming or emotionally unsafe.

If you have an avoidant attachment style:

• You may feel the urge to shut down or pull away.
• You might find it hard to connect with your emotions.
• It may be difficult to feel anything beyond physical sensations.

If you have an anxious attachment style:

• You may be on high alert for signs of rejection or withdrawal.
• You might find yourself feeling ‘clingy’ or needing reassurance.
• You may push your partner away preemptively.

To help manage attachment anxieties, focus on bonding as a couple and building a secure attachment inside and outside the bedroom. This is no simple task, but there’s plenty you can do during sex to help:

Use affectionate touch, like holding each other’s hand, caressing each other’s face, or cuddling during sex. It’s a simple way to show your partner they’re safe, you love them, and that you care about them.

Reassuring statements such as, “You’re safe.” “I love you.” “I’ve got you.” “You’re beautiful.” are also powerful ways to speak directly to anxieties and help create a loving space for connection.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #6:

Practice Mindfulness To Enhance Sexual Connection

Building emotional intimacy through sex requires you to be present and in the moment. But a common barrier to connecting is spectatoring:

Spectatoring is “a form of self-observation or self-monitoring” where critical thoughts about your body, performance, or arousal level create anxiety and distract you from the sexual experience.

(Not to mention the dreaded double-whammy of recognizing you’re caught up in your head, and further criticizing yourself for being in your head 😖 Yes, it’s as frustrating and crazy-making as it sounds, and is a huge barrier to pleasure* and emotional connection).

But mindfulness techniques can help you short-circuit the crazy and return to connection. Here’s how:

• Focus on each breath – the inhale and the exhale – to enhance connection to yourself.
• Fully engage your senses by noticing each touch, sound, and sensation without judgment.
• Bring awareness to your partner and what it feels like to be with them in the moment.
• Pause occasionally to check in with each other.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #7:

Embrace The Power of Synchrony

As humans, we have an almost magic-like ability to synchronize with each other.

Recent experiments* show that people doing activities together align their brain waves in a phenomenon known as interpersonal neural synchronization, or interbrain synchrony.

When you make eye contact with your partner, your brain waves instantly sync up.* (This phenomenon is even stronger when you naturally mirror each other’s movements or facial expressions, such as when your partner smiles and you naturally smile back.)

This experience of synchrony is powerful. It creates a profound sense of well-being and closeness, building trust and cooperation. And although no one has run the experiment yet, we’re confident that the experience of synchrony during sex is one of the reasons it feels so connective and transcendent.

There are several ways you can harness the power of synchrony while being intimate, from making eye contact and synchronizing your breath to moving your bodies in unison.

The more you tune into each other and pay attention to non-verbal communication, the more you naturally synchronize and feel a deeper sense of connection.

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #8:

Communicate & Express Your Love & Affection

Great sex involves communicating before, during, and after sex:

Openly discussing your likes and dislikes. Giving feedback on what’s working (and what’s not). And of course, consent.

Take this deeper during emotionally intimate sex by sharing your feelings for each other, what you’re experiencing, and what you need to feel safe and secure.

Here are some examples to get you started:

• “I love being so close to you.”
• “You make me feel so safe and loved.”
• “Being with you like this feels so beautiful.”
• “I love how perfectly our bodies fit together.”
• “I feel so connected to you right now.”
• “I love the way you love me.”
• “I want you so much right now.”
• “I can’t get enough of how you make me feel.”
• “I want to feel every inch of you.”(“I want you to feel every inch of me”)
• “I’m completely yours.”

Emotional Connection During Sex Tip #9:

Choose Authenticity Over Performance

Emotionally intimate sex requires authenticity.

That means it won’t always feel like a perfectly choreographed scene from a romance movie, where your orgasm face looks beautiful and every angle is flattering.

The truth is that sex is messy, complicated, and human. And being truly authentic means embracing the messy:

• Your body does unexpected things (awkward sounds, a lack of lubrication, or unintended bodily fluids).
• Emotions fluctuate wildly (from ecstatic pleasure, to ugly crying. Yes, crying during sex is common for both men and women,* and is often not a sign of anything wrong – although it’s important to check in about it).
• Moments where you lose yourself in pleasure and disappear into your own world, and moments of awkwardness and disconnect.

It’s important to remember that sex is dynamic and changes from moment to moment. You might feel passionate, anxious, happy, sad, and even uncomfortable at times. So let’s not set the expectation that your entire sexual interaction will feel emotionally connected.

What matters is honoring how you feel, expressing your genuine self, and paying attention to what you need in every moment.