How To Increase Intimacy: 15 Ways To Reignite Connection

So if you’re looking for ways to strengthen and improve your connection, we’ve got you covered:

Since 2014, we’ve been helping couples increase intimacy and rekindle the passion in their relationship. (Not to mention the years building a strong couple connection in our own marriage).

We’re sharing our top 15 research-and-experience-backed tips for how to increase intimacy and build a deeper emotional and sexual connection in your relationship.

First, let’s get clear on what exactly we mean by ‘intimacy’…

What Exactly Is Intimacy?

Intimacy goes beyond sex and physical closeness and encompasses deep emotional connection, vulnerability, and trust. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly and honestly, creating a safe space for authenticity, and fostering a strong sense of belonging and support.

This type of deep intimacy is built up over time, requiring ongoing effort, communication, mindfulness, and commitment from both individuals.

But the benefits of increasing intimacy in your relationship really can’t be overstated:

• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Increased happiness and wellbeing
• Improved communication and conflict resolution
• Stronger sense of belonging, support, safety, and trust
• A more passionate and pleasurable sexual connection
• Enhanced self-esteem and confidence as individuals
• A strong, healthy, and resilient relationship

When working on your couple connection, it’s important to consider that ‘intimacy’ encompasses aspects of physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy.

The good news is that they’re all connected, so working on one will increase intimacy in other areas, too.

15 Practical Ways To Increase Intimacy In A Relationship:

1. Prioritize Daily Emotional Intimacy

The single most important ingredient for a satisfying relationship is your emotional connection. And prioritizing that connection has some incredible flow-on effects too:

One study* showed that couples who experienced a moment of strong emotional connection had a marked increase in sexual desire 90 minutes later. But after 3 hours that increase was gone.

This means that consciously and consistently creating moments of connection is one of the best ways to increase intimacy in your relationship:

• Quality time to connect with no distractions (phones away, please!).
• Regular date nights where you’re focused on each other.
• Relationship check ins to proactively address challenges and celebrate your achievements.

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2. Be Vulnerable And Radically Honest

Opening up to each other is a must for building intimacy in a relationship:

Because the research* shows that unless you willingly share your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and struggles (what’s known as personal disclosure) you won’t develop emotional connection.

This radical honesty needs to go both ways:

The more vulnerable you both are, the more emotionally intimate your relationship becomes. And the higher levels of trust and emotional safety you’ll both feel.

3. Improve Intimate Communication

Want to hear something awesome?

You can improve sexual intimacy by simply talking about it:

This research* discovered that couples who talk openly about sex report higher levels of sexual satisfaction, and a better relationship overall.

Because another study* revealed that partners only know about 62% of what their partner actually enjoys during sex. And only 26% of what their partner doesn’t like.

This means there’s a whole bunch of turn-ons and turn-offs that you don’t know about.

To beat those odds, increase sexual communication before, during, and after sex by:

• Talking openly about what you like and dislike.
• Asking for exactly what you want, in the moment.
• Getting curious about your partner’s desires and turn-offs.
• Practicing aftercare, and sharing feedback about what you enjoy about being intimate with each other.
• Checking in with your partner about your sex life more generally.
• Discussing what sex means to you, and how satisfied you feel overall.

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4. Eliminate Pressure In The Bedroom

Looking at what prevents intimacy in the bedroom is just as important as what increases it:

• Putting too much focus on orgasms (instead of prioritizing pleasure)
• Rushing to penetration or pushing toward a specific outcome (instead of slowing down, being present, and enjoying the moment)
• Trying too hard to perform and please each other (instead of focusing on authentic connection)

This creates a lot of pressure for intimacy to look a certain way, which puts the breaks on sexual desire and connection.

To eliminate the expectations, try expanding your definition of sex.

The important takeaway is this:

The less pressure there is on ‘getting somewhere’ or ‘achieving an outcome’, the easier it is to increase intimacy.

(Want even more intimate and connected sex? Learn more of the most common sex mistakes you’ll want to avoid).

5. Reminisce & Retell Your ‘Love Story’

A simple yet powerful way to reignite the spark and be more intimate is to reminisce about the good times:

• How you first met
• Your favorite holiday adventures
• Funny moments from your life together

Sounds simple, right?

But the research* is conclusive:

The more positively couples recollect their relationship stories, the stronger and more intimate their relationship is overall.

6. Schedule Sex

Before you roll your eyes, hear us out:

The important stuff in your life doesn’t happen unless you put it in your calendar and schedule it. So if sex is important to you, why would that be any different?

To make sex a priority, you need to schedule it.

And that’s understanding your Initiating Blueprint:

Basically, your initiating blueprint is a secret map of the kinds of activities you both need to turn off the sexual brakes and get turned on together.

It’s a super-helpful resource for when one (or both) of you want to want sex, but you’re not in the mood yet.

7. Identify Your Intimacy Style

There are many different types of intimacy, and everyone has their unique preferences.

The six most common intimacy styles are emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.

Want to know yours?

Take our 2-minute intimacy quiz for couples to discover your unique intimacy profile. When you sign up to our email list you’ll also get a personalized report detailing the exact kinds of connection-creating activities to prioritize.

Because it’s possible – even likely – that you and your partner have different intimacy styles. That’s OK. What matters is that you have effective strategies to develop intimacy in ways that are meaningful to both of you.

8. Get Better At Conflict Resolution

Increasing intimacy isn’t only about focusing on the good stuff. Knowing how to resolve conflict in a healthy way brings you closer together too.

Here’s why improving your communication skills and getting better at conflict resolution is a double win for your relationship:

1) You prevent arguments from spiraling out of control and becoming unproductive or hurtful.
 
2) You can have the difficult – but meaningful – conversations that create more trust and safety.

Ultimately, healthy communication comes down to:

• Active Listening: genuinely listening to your partner to understand their experience (without interrupting, explaining, or fixing)
• Emotional Intelligence: identifying, exploring, and expressing your feelings in a healthy way.
• Grounded Communication: expressing your opinions, needs, feelings, and boundaries in a calm yet assertive way
• Nervous System Regulation: knowing when – and how – to call an effective Time Out when things escalate
• Generosity: Assuming your partner has good intentions – even while you explore where the impact was hurtful
• Respect: knowing it’s OK to have different needs and perspectives – and knowing how to validate those needs

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9. Exercise Or Try Something New To Boost Adrenaline

Check out this science-y yet simple bio-hack to increase intimacy:

There’s a phenomenon called misattribution of arousal* that can help you and your partner kickstart the spark in your sex life. Basically:

Your brain confuses the excitement of an adrenaline rush with the rush of sexual arousal.

So by doing something exciting and new together, or simply getting the blood pumping at the gym, you boost your attraction to each other.

10. Break Routine & Get Intentional With Each Other

When you each live busy lives, it’s oh so easy to fall into the ‘Netflix rut’:

After a long day keeping up with ALL the adulting demands of modern life, all you want to do is crash into bed and binge-watch a show together. Or lay there doom-scrolling your phone until you pass out from exhaustion.

And while we get the appeal of zoning out, this routine eats up valuable intimacy and connection time.

• A 2006 survey* showed that just having a TV in the bedroom halved the amount of sex couples had. (and yeah, this was before smartphones and all the other on-demand distractions we now have).
• Furthermore, phubbing* in intimate relationships (where you ignore your partner in favor of your phone) has been linked to decreased marital satisfaction and higher rates of depression.

Of course, Netflix or your phones aren’t the real culprits:

The real issue is not prioritizing intentional, quality time where you can connect and be fully present with each other.

So here are some intimacy-increasing experiments to try:

• A 5-minute daily debrief and check in when you first climb into bed
• ‘Tech-Free Tuesdays’ – no digital devices for the evening
• Leaving phones in another room at meal times
• ‘Dessert Date Nights’ (instead of a whole night out, grab your favorite dessert to share after the kids go to bed)
• A 3-minute hug when you reunite in the evening

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(And if you need more intimacy exercises for couples, we got you!)

11. Share Appreciation With Each Other

Take a moment to reflect on all the awesome ways your partner makes your life better:

• The jobs they take care of so you don’t have to
• The way their laugh makes your heart smile
• The profound magic of having someone to do this whole life thing with.

Now, when was the last time you shared that appreciation with them out loud?

Unfortunately, consistently underappreciating your partner is going to lead to either complacency, or resentment in a relationship.

On the other hand, the research* shows that couples who make a habit of expressing gratitude end up spending more time together, and in turn increase intimacy and strengthen connection.

12. Celebrate Each Other’s Success

How you respond to your partner’s good news has a huge impact on the level of intimacy in your marriage. And in ways you may not expect.

Researchers* have categorized four kinds of typical responses:

• Active–constructive: you respond with enthusiasm and interest, where you encourage your partner to elaborate and tell you more: “OMG, hell YES! Tell me ALL the details!”
• Passive–constructive: you’re quiet but attentive and interested: “Oh yeah? That’s cool. Nice one.”
• Passive–destructive: you undermine what your partner has shared, or downplay its importance: “Oh, really? It’s not that big a deal, is it?”
• Active–destructive: you display a lack of interest, or make it all about yourself: “So what? I did that last week. Big deal.”

Obviously the last two will not increase intimacy.

But the Passive–constructive response doesn’t fare much better. All three harm relationship satisfaction and connection levels.

Yep, how you respond to your partner’s successes directly impacts your sex life.

So here’s how to nail an effective active-constructive response:

• Be enthusiastic.
• Have a curiosity to learn more.
• Use your partner’s success as a way to understand them better.
• Ask questions to help them expand on the details, what they felt, and why it’s important to them.

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13. Share Housework & Chores Equally

OK, maybe you don’t think housework deserves to be a part of the conversation about how to be more intimate. But the science says otherwise:

Studies* show that couples who share the responsibility of running the household are happier, more satisfied, and have a more regular, fulfilling sex life.

So… Do more chores, have more sex.

Easy, right?

Unfortunately, this is an all too common challenge for couples. If you or your partner are harboring resentment about how you manage the household, this article on how to share the load is a must read.

14. Increase Physical Touch – Without Expectation

Physical intimacy is a key part of the warmth and closeness in a relationship, and it can help to increase both emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. But for many couples, affectionate touch fades over time.

To combat this, look for ways to express your affection and love with as much incidental (and no-expectation) touch as you can. We’re talking:

• Hugs from behind while you’re cooking
• kisses on the cheek
• holding hands in the grocery line
• placing your hand on their leg while driving

It helps release oxytocin, strengthens your relationship, and creates instant connection between you.

15. Change How You Initiate Sex

Alright, it’s uncomfortable truth time:

For most couples, what worked to initiate sex back in the Honeymoon Phase stops working in a long-term relationship.

In fact, using the ‘same old moves’ can become an explicit turn-off, making sex feel boring, mechanical, or obligatory.

• Ask your partner what actually works for them to initiate sex, and what doesn’t.
• What helps them to feel relaxed, comfortable, and open to sex?
• What helps them to get aroused when they want to want sex, but aren’t in the mood yet?
• What works for you?

The more you understand what that looks like for each of you, the easier (and more successful) initiating sexual intimacy becomes.

How We Can Help You Increase Intimacy

When we work with couples in our coaching program to increase intimacy, we start by creating a shared vision for your relationship and sex life that inspires and feels good. We help you understand the different kinds of intimacy in a relationship, which ones are the most important to you, and how they play a part in your overall relationship vision.

Then, we jump into the practical stuff:

• finding exactly what prevents intimacy, and removing those blocks
• developing the skills to create deep emotional intimacy
• a personalized approach for building sexual desire and physical intimacy

But this program isn’t for everyone.

If there’s extreme past trauma, serious mental health concerns, addiction or substance abuse, or dangerous levels of relationship conflict, then working with a therapist is a better first step.

But if you’re ready to tap into the highest level of what’s possible for your relationship or marriage, you can schedule a no-obligation, 2:2 video call with us to learn more about how we can help.

How To Increase Intimacy FAQ

Where to next?

If sex is a problem in your relationship, and you want more physical intimacy and connection, don’t miss our complete guide to reigniting your love life.

Having arguments, conflicts, and fights you don’t know how to resolve? The Conflict To Connection communication course for couples is for you.

Or if you’re ready to step up and transform your relationship, schedule a time to learn more about our premium mens, womens, and couples coaching programs.