If you answered ‘Yes’, you’re definitely not alone.
Making time for sex is a huge challenge for couples in long-term relationships. And despite being relationship and intimacy coaches, it happens to us too.
Sex marathons are definitely not an everyday occurrence for us. We get just as caught up in the busyness of everyday life as the next couple.
So while it might feel overwhelming to start making changes in your sex life, don’t freak out!
You don’t have to figure it out on your own, because we’ve already done the heavy lifting for you.
You’re going to learn:
- 8 simple steps to help you make time for sex (even when you feel like you’re too busy)
- An inside look into how we approach and talk about sex
- A super-easy trick that will make sure sex happens, no matter what
- The quick perspective shift that will instantly improve your sex life and increase your satisfaction
How To Make Time For Sex Even When You’re Busy
1. We Make ‘Sex Agreements’
They’re not as kinky as they might sound.
Our Sex Agreements are a core part of our Relationship Agreements.
And what are those, you ask?
Relationship Agreements are a set of shared values and understandings about the way we do relationship. They’re a collection of statements that we created and agreed to that help us define exactly what we’re committed to in our relationship.
They’re a foundational step in what we call a conscious relationship – a relationship that’s created intentionally and purposefully.
When it comes to sex, we have a mutual understanding that:
- We love each other.
- We’re attracted to each other.
- We want to have sex.
What this ultimately means is that we make an agreement to put in the effort to prioritise sex.
It’s a simple but important step that lays the foundation for everything else to come. (Pun intended 😉)
2. We Use Words To Initiate Sex
While this might sound painfully obvious, it’s something that’s easily overlooked in long term relationships.
Too many couples try to communicate their desire and initiate sex by using body language or ‘subtle’ cues. Unfortunately, this approach is a recipe for misunderstanding and disappointment.
To avoid this disaster, we openly – with our words – communicate when we want to have sex.
It can be as easy as something like:
“I miss you. I’d love to make some time to connect with you…”
It’s what we call a Verbal Initiating Cue, and it removes all the confusion from your sex life.
We’re of course open to hearing a ‘no’, but by being clear and direct, we remove a LOT of ambiguity, pressure, and expectation in our sex life.
There’s an art to creating these initiating cues, and they may feel weird at first, but they’ll help your sex life in the long run.
Want to enjoy more sex and less rejection in your relationship? Check out our Reignite Your Love Life program.
3. We Schedule Sex
Yes, making time for sex really can be this simple. But before you roll your eyes and groan that “scheduling sex is boring and lame”, hear us out:
When life is busy, you schedule the things that are important to you, right? Why should sex be any different?
And here’s the thing – you were already scheduling time for sex and your relationship back when you first starting seeing each other. You just called it ‘dating’.
You didn’t show up at your partner’s house expecting that they’d drop everything and hang out. You scheduled a time so they could be prepared and ready to go.
Start viewing your long-term sex life the same way.
In our marriage, we know it’s time to schedule sex if:
- We’re feeling emotionally disconnected.
- One of us tried to initiate, but we weren’t in the mood right there and then
- We know we have a busy month ahead
Here’s another thing about scheduling sex: once you actually get things going, does it really matter that it started as a scheduled activity?
Once you’re in the mood and enjoying yourself, you get to be grateful that you prioritised it and made it happen.
Now, this is not to say that you CAN’T have spontaneous sex – just view it as a bonus.
4. We Embrace The ‘Quickie’
Let’s be real here – who’s got the time or energy for elaborate, hours-long sex dates every single week?
We sure don’t.
If you do think that sex has to be a big production, it makes sense that you might struggle to find the enthusiasm.
But if you can find little windows of time, it really is as simple as setting a timer, getting naked, and seeing what happens.
While we do make time for longer sex dates, we’re always on the lookout for creative ways to squeeze in a Quickie.
Which makes the next step an absolute MUST…
5. We Redefine Sex
Sex can be so much more than penis-in-vagina, penetrative sex. And expanding your definition to include a range of other sex-related activities can really help you find more time for sex.
For us, we define ‘sex’ as anything where we have the intention to connect while also bringing the sexy vibes. So that might include:
- Passionate kissing
- Oral sex
- Fingering and hand jobs
- Dry humping (even though that term sucks, it really is a sexy AF sex activity)
- Self-pleasuring in front of each other
This gives us plenty of options if we don’t feel like penetrative sex. Or if we don’t have enough time to get fully warmed up for it. (An important step if you’re wanting to enjoy sex more)
Redefining sex is perhaps one of the most pressure-reducing and pleasure-enhancing things you can do for sex life. And it makes finding the time for sex when you’re too busy SO much easier.
Pro Tip For Men In Hetero Relationships:
Embracing an expanded definition of sex can be a real game-changer for your partner. It can help to remove feelings of pressure or expectation to get towards penetrative sex, which frees her up to enjoy herself more.
Any sexual experience where you can show up and simply enjoy the connection in the moment, without it having to ‘get somewhere’, is going to bring a whole new dimension to your sex life.
(And if you need support creating a healthier, more connected sex life, you can learn more about Men’s Coaching with Reece).
6. We Reclaim Our Time
Trying to make time for sex but finding you’re still too busy?
You might need to look at your schedule and start getting ruthless about what you can reschedule, delegate, or cancel altogether.
Because ultimately, making time for sex is about making time for priorities.
And despite what the productivity gurus and Instagram memes tell us, we simply cannot do it all.
So if the health of your relationship really is important to you, you’ll need to let go of the things that don’t support that priority.
This isn’t rocket science, but sometimes we need the permission slip and the gentle nudge to get our priorities in order.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help either. Whether that’s booking a sitter, asking a friend or family for help, outsourcing chores, or delegating to a colleague, letting others support you is one of the best ways to reclaim your precious time for yourself and your relationship.
7. We Get Present
Modern life is a shit-storm of distractions. That’s right screens and tech devices, we’re talking about you.
That little notification bell is decimating our ‘free’ time and creating what psychology researcher Ahsley Whillans, Phd. calls ‘confetti time’.
It might sound like fun, but what ‘confetti time’ really means is that our ‘leisure time’ is being contaminated by emails, social media notifications, texts, and all manner of electronic intrusions.
“We have more time for leisure than we did fifty years ago. But leisure has never been less relaxing,” explains Whillians.
So what does this mean for your sex life?
Put your phone on airplane mode in the evenings. Turn off the TV. Close your laptop. Try it for just one week, and you might be surprised by how much time and energy for sex you ‘suddenly’ have.
8. We Accept That Life Happens
Even when we’re mindful of trying to make time for sex when we’re busy, the reality is that sometimes life just gets in the way.
So instead of blaming or guilt-ing each other, we understand that sometimes we’re too stressed for sex. Or that sometimes other life-admin things have to take precedence.
And that’s OK.
We’ve learned that our sex life has ebbs and flows; there are times when we have lots of sex, and times when we don’t.
We don’t expect our sex life to look a certain way all of the time, because expectations are the enemy of great sex. (One of the 12 common sex mistakes to avoid if you want more intimate sex.)
So as long as we can honestly say that we’re trying our best to honor our Relationship and Sex Agreements, then we trust that the busyness will pass and we’ll create time for sex again.
Reece Stockhausen & Jodie Milton have made improving people’s lives and relationships both their passion, and their career. With over 25 years experience in the Personal Development industry, and 8 years coaching singles and couples, their no-BS advice has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Bustle, and HuffPost.
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