But if you want to feel more connected in the bedroom, it’s a habit you’ll have to break.
When you first try this, it might bring up a lot of stuff – feeling exposed, confronted, and VERY uncomfortable is normal.
But stick with it and this simple technique will open you up to profound connection and deeper intimacy with your partner. Or, if you’re going it alone, connection with yourself.
Want to feel more connected in the bedroom?
Leave the lights on.
But for many, possibly terrifying.
If the thought of having sex with the lights on scares the shit out of you, you’re not alone. Official stats vary, but in a 2012 survey, 56% of people reported that they usually get busy with the lights off.
Now there’s nothing wrong with sex in the dark. The sensory deprivation can add some real spice to your sex life. When you can’t see what’s going on, your other senses turn up the volume, and that can be truly tantalising.
But if you’re always turning the lights out, you’re missing out on a great opportunity to feel more connected in the bedroom.
Not convinced? Here’s 5 reasons you’ll wanna keep the lights on:
#1: Visual Delights
This might sound obvious, but if you’re always getting freaky in the dark, you can’t see what’s going on.
Watching the way your partner’s hips thrust, the way her breasts bounce or his arms flex – is a smorgasbord of visual delight. Watching your partner’s pleasure can take you over the edge and give you both some massive mutual turn-on.
But you miss out on all this if you’re lost in the dark. (Not to mention all those missed opportunities to playfully bite her neck as she arches her back, to suck on his fingers as he slides his hands within reaching distance, or to reach for a grope here or a lick there.)
Lights on sex means you’re in the driver’s seat of your pleasure, with a clear view of the road and every opportunity to give, share and create delight with one another.
#2: Stay Focused
Staying 100% focused on anything is tricky. And although a wandering mind is part of being human, it’s all too easy to get lost in thought with the lights out.
So if you want to dramatically increase your ability to stay present and feel more connected in the bedroom, leave the lights on and open your eyes.
It also means your partner can sense when you’ve become distracted, and can gently bring you back with a playful bite or a gentle nudge.
The bottom line is that the more present you are, the more you’re available for pleasure and connection.
#3: Own Your Body
We’re a culture facing a crisis in body self-confidence. And despite popular belief, it’s not just women. 1 in 4 men prefer to have the lights off because they’re ashamed of their body.
But running away from something doesn’t reduce its power over you. In fact, the more you resist, the bigger those demons become.
And it’s not just body shame. Embarrassment around ‘ugly sex face’ can be a big obstacle too. It certainly was for Jodie:
For years I nearly always had sex with the lights off. And when the lights were on, I spent most of the time worrying about what I looked like – always trying to look beautiful and what I thought constituted sexy instead of actually being present with my partner and my pleasure.”
How did you change it?
I committed to lights on, real and raw sex. I went there, ‘ugly sex face’ and all. And when my satisfaction and pleasure sky rocketed, I knew I was on to something. Yes, it was really confronting to start with, but the orgasmic bliss and connection has been more than worth it.”
Leaving the lights on is a powerful way to feel more connected in the bedroom, and a powerful statement of self-love. You can keep fighting your body and the way you feel about it, or you can choose radical self-acceptance.
#4: Eyes-Open Orgasm
It’s a natural reflex to close your eyes when you orgasm. But that moment when you reach climax is an incredibly powerful one to share with your partner.
In fact, consciously shifting your natural orgasmic reflex response (relaxing through pleasure, breathing deeply and keeping your eyes open) can take you into heightened states of pleasure and orgasmic bliss.
Looking deeply into your partner’s eyes as you go there takes it one step further. It’s the ultimate vulnerability – sharing that moment of surrender, loss of control and pure ecstasy.
It’s a spiritual and soul expanding experience, and one you can only share if the lights are on.
#5: Deeper Connection
And this really is the whole point.
By far the most popular response from our clients when asked the question “what do you want more of in the bedroom?” is this:
Deeper connection and intimacy.
With the lights on, you can truly SEE and CONNECT with your partner. You can look deeply into their eyes and feel them at a soul level. You can witness them, and be witnessed in return.
To feel seen, known, acknowledged, accepted and embraced for who you truly are.
Yes, that can be terrifying, but following your heart’s deepest yearning always is.
Reece Stockhausen & Jodie Milton have made improving people’s lives and relationships both their passion, and their career. With over 25 years experience in the Personal Development industry, and 9 years coaching singles and couples, their no-BS advice has been featured in Today, The New York Times, Yahoo!, Insider, Cosmopolitan, and Men's Health.
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