Because the truth is – sometimes it’s awkward.
Despite what Hollywood hype and gossip mags would have you believe – having your partner go down on you can be really challenging:
- You get caught up in your head and worry about how long you’re taking.
- You’re distracted by #allthethings going on in your life and can’t stay present.
- You feel weird when your boyfriend eats you out but you don’t feel anything.
- You wonder why oral doesn’t feel that good to you (and start to wonder if maybe there’s something wrong with you).
Well, you’re not alone.
Receiving oral sex can bring a lot of uncomfortable emotion to the surface. It can trigger insecurities, intense vulnerability, and pressure to perform. So instead of relaxing and enjoying yourself, you feel nervous about receiving oral sex and end up avoiding it altogether.
But if you’d like to relax and enjoy receiving oral sex, we’ve got 9 proven ways to transform nervousness and anxiety into pleasure and fun. Tried and tested tips that actually work.
So if you’re wondering how to relax and enjoy oral sex, here’s how:
How To Relax & Enjoy Receiving Oral Sex #1:
Trust That Your Partner Is Enjoying It
One of the biggest barriers to enjoying your partner going down on you is worrying about what they think.
You get nervous about receiving oral sex because you get caught up in thoughts like:
- ‘Do I taste OK?’
- ‘Do they think I smell?’
- ‘Am I taking too long?’
- ‘Are they enjoying this?’
But here’s the thing – if your partner’s going down on you, chances are they love your vulva. (And your vagina, too)
Sure, your V parts have a unique flavour – they’re meant to:
The smell and taste of your Vs can be a potent aphrodisiac. Researchers suspect vaginal secretions contain pheromones chemically designed to send your partner wild.*
And even just the sight of your aroused vulva can trigger an arousal response in your partner too.*
Sadly, due to sexual mis-education, cultural conditioning, and a long history of V shaming, we have a hard time believing that our partner might actually enjoy going down on us. But the more you can trust that they’re enjoying themselves, the more you’ll enjoy yourself too.
But don’t take my word for it – talk with your partner about oral sex:
Ask them what they like about your V parts, and what they enjoy about oral sex with you.
That conversation might be a bit awkward at first, but it’s bound to be an eye-opener. And that honesty and vulnerability will only bring you closer together.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #2:
Forget About Orgasm
Focusing on orgasm puts a lot of pressure on you to perform, which doesn’t make for good head.
In many cases, pressure to orgasm prevents you from reaching climax and only makes you more self-conscious about receiving oral sex.
Here’s a lil truth bomb for you:
On average, a woman needs at least 20 minutes of stimulation to orgasm. This varies dramatically (we ain’t robots), but 20 minutes is usually much longer than what most women give themselves space for.
So if you’re worrying about why you can’t get off from oral sex, hopefully this puts things in perspective.
It can also help to focus on pleasure and connection instead of orgasms. Sure, orgasms are great, but they don’t have to be the goal of oral sex (or penetrative sex for that matter).
Whether you reach orgasm or not is irrelevant – it’s the journey that counts.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #3:
Embrace the Gift
Receiving oral can be really vulnerable, and not only because of the pressures and insecurities already mentioned.
To receive, you have to open yourself.
You have to take down your guard and let your partner in.
But the vulnerability goes even deeper:
To receive pleasure – to feel good in your body – is an act of self-love and self-worth. And in our current culture, that’s not something we’re terribly good at.
Think about how challenging it can be receiving a compliment. Do you ever:
- Try to humbly deny praise?
- Mumble ‘thanks’ as you awkwardly avoid eye contact?
- Completely deflect a compliment by giving a compliment in return?
Receiving oral sex can be challenging in a similar way. You have to push the edges of your comfort zone by consciously allowing love and appreciation.
But know this – you deserve it. You deserve pleasure. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to be worshipped, loved, and adored. Totally guilt free.
Simply being aware of this can make a big difference in how you receive oral sex. And you can take it a step further by setting an intention to really focus on the act of receiving:
To feel yourself opening, to feel your heart expanding, to feel yourself letting in the love and appreciation that your partner is showing you.
By receiving and enjoying the pleasure of oral sex, you send a powerful message to yourself that you are worthy. It’s radical self love and sexual healing all mixed into one.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #4:
Find a Way to Connect
Connection is an important part of sex and arousal, especially for women. But it can be hard to connect with your partner when they’re all the way down there.
A lot of the anxiety about receiving oral sex simply comes from the fact that it can feel lonely, distant, and disconnected.
But there’s an easy fix – prioritise what you need and find a way to feel closer to each other:
- Hold their hand.
- Ask them to make eye contact with you.
- Find a position that presses your bodies closer together.
- Make sounds to express your enjoyment so you feel more connected.
My favourite position is laying head to tail and snuggling my face between his legs. No, I’m not talking a 69er. I’m still the one receiving. I just find it super intimate, which helps me to let go.
It’s important you feel safe and held in these intimate moments. It’ll help you to feel less self-conscious and more able to relax and enjoy receiving oral sex.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #5:
Freely expressing your pleasure through sound is an important part of building arousal. And it can help you stay present and focused in the moment.
But finding your authentic sexual voice has it’s challenges:
Sound often makes you feel more self-conscious, not less. Especially when some of our natural expressions aren’t what societal norms would call ‘sexy’. Sometimes they’re guttural, sometimes they’re soft and whimpery, sometimes they’re ‘ugly’ and wild.
But your authentic expression has a raw beauty that’s far more powerful than an orchestrated attempt to sound attractive.
And letting those authentic sounds out will lead you to deeper levels of pleasure and connection.
Personally, this is something I struggled with for a long time. But it was also one of the most transformative aspects of my sexual journey.
So if it takes some time to feel comfortable letting your voice out, be patient with yourself. Begin with trusting whatever throaty moan wants to escape your lips, and over time, giving yourself permission to fully surrender to it.
Expressing yourself has the added bonus of giving you partner clear feedback on what you’re enjoying, which helps them get more out of the experience too.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #6:
The surest way to get what you want is to ask for it.
If something’s not working for you, or if you really just want it a little to the left, let them know.
Not sure how?
You can try dropping hints like suggestive moans and subtle movements. But chances are this is going to take you out of the experience and back into your head.
The best approach? Radical honesty.
Your directions don’t have to be complex – faster, slower, softer, harder, longer strokes, shorter strokes, up, down, left or right are simple yet powerful directions.
Yelling ‘stop that’ or complaining that ‘this just isn’t doing it for me’ is likely to leave them feeling hurt. You can be considerate and playful while also prioritising your sexual needs.
It can also help to reassure them that you’re not saying that they’re doing it wrong. Our bodies are complex, and it’s unfair to expect a partner to know exactly what we want in every moment.
With the right approach, it’s totally possible to ask for (and get) what you need without offending your partner.
(Don’t know what you want, or where to begin? Then we need to talk sexual empowerment, hun. Schedule a complimentary women’s coaching call and let’s get you rockin’ your sexual confidence).
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #7:
Focus on What You Feel
‘Be more present’ is probably something you’ve heard a million times before. But how do you do it during oral sex?
By tuning into sensation:
- Feel their tongue on your delicate skin and the subtle movement of each stroke.
- Feel the warmth of their hands on your body and their hot breath on your lips.
- Tune into the sweet vibrations of their pleasure-filled moans as they’re devouring you.
Instead of staring at the roof and feeling awkward, watch them as they bury their face between your thighs. Listen to your own pleasure-filled moans as they mingle with theirs, and the soft sucking sounds of their lips on yours.
Smell the sweat and your ambrosia. Taste your own sweetness when they stop to kiss you. Feel your wetness, your heat, and the throbbing of your pleasure.
Receiving oral sex is a feast of sensation, and yours for the taking the more present and embodied you are. By focusing on sensation and letting yourself follow wherever that takes you, you can create a truly ecstatic experience that engages each and every one of your senses.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #8:
The breath is the true key to mindfulness.
It’s also the single most powerful thing you can focus on to expand your enjoyment of oral sex.
Breathing not only brings you into your body and helps you to relax, it also moves sexual energy throughout your body.
The more you can consciously relax through breathing, the more you open yourself to whole-bodied pleasure.
Try focusing on breathing in deeply for a count of four, then out for a count of four.
And remember that just like meditation, it’s OK if your mind wanders. (It’s impossible to remain present ALL the time – and that’s OK). Be forgiving with yourself when it happens, and simply guide your attention back to your breath, and back to the sensations in your body.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex #9:
Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Vagina
I’m saving the best for last here because your relationship with your body really is the most foundational aspect of your sexuality:
The more confident you feel with your body, the more open and receptive you are to pleasure. And the more confident you feel about your V Parts, the less anxious and more relaxed you’ll feel receiving oral sex.
So what’s the best way to strengthen your relationship with your vagina and connect with your sexuality?
Maintain a regular self-pleasuring practice and prioritise sexual-connection time with yourself.
You can take this deeper by spending some time appreciating your V-parts in front of a mirror, or journaling about what she likes and what she wants more of.
There’s also ancient sexual arts practices like the Jade Egg which help develop your awareness, articulation, and connection with your vagina. All while improving your overall health. (Get in touch here to learn more).
Know your vagina, and you know yourself as a woman.
Your connection with your body will deepen your confidence and how you show up in not just the bedroom, but in the world at large.
How to relax & enjoy receiving oral sex
Your Sexual Empowerment Journey
Many women feel insecure about receiving oral sex because they don’t know what they like, or how to ask for it. Or they’re carrying shame and judgement about their sexuality that stops them from fully surrendering and enjoying themselves.
In my coaching practice I help women move beyond insecurity and into full sexual confidence.
If you’d like support on your journey of sexual empowerment, schedule a free women’s empowerment coaching call. We’ll create a unique, personalised roadmap to help you discover your body in a whole new way, and take your sex life (and relationship) to the next level.
Hi, I’m Jodie - a life, love, and sexual empowerment coach. I work with women and couples to help them create the lives, love, and sex they’ve always wanted. More love, more passion, more pleasure, and more fulfilment.
Apply for a complimentary 1:1 women's empowerment coaching call.